Have you ever been really excited about something, I mean really excited? You're all happy and can't wait to see what will happen next. Let's take relationships as an example since we all know that's exactly where this is going. So, things were going swimmingly with Phillip. Nothing to really talk about. Well, I finally convinced him that he had just enough time to go to lunch with me again. Today we went to the same Chinese restaurant we've been to before. I actually had an agenda for this lunch. I was bound and determined to find out if he was a Christian or not. That's right, my brazeness has gone up a notch. Now, I mentioned in another post that I was pretty sure his answer was going to be no and that I wasn't going to be too happy with it. Come on, with my luck that's the only answer that I would expect to get. Anyway, we start talking about what he believes, and I realize that I have just driven head-first into a steel-inforced concrete wall at 100 miles per hour. Now, remember that on-cloud-9 feeling I mentioned at the beginning? Here's the curve ball...he said he's an atheist. WHAT!!! I seriously thought he was joking at first (he plays jokes all the time -- it's really hard to know if he's serious or not some of the time). But he was serious. So, before I ever broached the subject, I knew I wasn't going to like his answer, but I asked anyway. I guess I just never knew how much I wasn't going to like his answer. I mean, how can you even prepare for that? His answer wasn't just a no, it was more like a hell no. Talk about putting you in a funk. I turned into a girl for the rest of the day. It was bad...I moped around at work and didn't really talk to anyone. I yelled at several idiots on the road while I was driving home (not good to be angry and drive). I walked straight into my room, changed into my pajamas (instead of my gym clothes), and crawled into my oh-so-comfortable bed to decompress, which actually turned into a tear fest. I never thought I would cry over a boy, much less one that I wasn't even dating, but I did. And the only thing I could think of was asking God why he let me have feelings for someone like Phillip when nothing could ever happen in the end. I don't have an answer for that yet.

So, apparently I've been slacking off on the updates lately. Sorry! I guess that happens when you work 50-hr. weeks for the past month. No excuse though, right? So, updates?

Like Angie's last few posts, I've been a little lonely. The time I spend by myself these days because the friends I have in my immediate area have no time for me and don't return my phone calls is boring me to death. My mom thinks I don't ever go and do things with my friends because I don't ever try to call them. Wrong! They just never return my phone calls. Angie, you're right. There is something about that desire to be wanted and/or needed. I mean, how often can you call them without becoming creepy or pushy?

Other than that, I'm just counting down the days until my birthday, and then, of course, Christmas. I'm pretty excited about my company Christmas party. I get to wear by dress I bought back in June again. I've been working for this company on and off for about 3 years now, but this is the first time I've been able to attend one of these party. This year, it's being held at the Galleria. Exciting! Anyway, that's not until December 15.

Nothing is really going on down here. Phillip and I are sort of on a no-talking hiatus. It's been about 3 weeks since we've had any real and meaningful conversations. Everything's just a hey-how's-it-going, I'm-fine-how-are-you everyday. I don't know what's going on. I've done everything in my power to squeeze another lunch out of him so I can ask the all-important questions, like is he a Christian, but I have yet to get a response. As perfect as he is without my knowing the answer to this question, I fear his answer will invariably be no. Boo! What a bummer. I've let go of this situation, saying there's nothing more that I can do and that maybe it's not meant to be. But with the boldness that I had to start this whole journey, I'm pretty sure I won't stay quiet for too much longer.

Update on the Phillip Front

Well, I've tried several times to upload a picture of Phillip and me on here, but it keeps crashing my Web browser. So, that will still have to be a part of your imagination. I think there are two things I've found out that are worthy of disclosure. Prepare yourself because this first one left me speechless.

1. Phillip has a daughter. Yep, a daughter. She's 6. This totally freaked me out when he told me this. But after thinking about it for a while, I think I've come to terms with it. It's totally possible that someone who is 27 would already have a kid these days. Hmmm. I still have to get some more background though.

2.He's sort of in a relationship right now. These are his words, not mine. He said they haven't spent much time together recently, and he's seriously considering calling it off. Who knows? Until then, we're just hanging out.

I have hope though. I invited him to a department party Friday afternoon. He stayed for several hours and said that he had a great time. He told me earlier in the week that this weekend was totally dedicated to his daughter, and yet he called me Saturday afternoon and talked to me for about 20 minutes. I'm not sure what to think about all of this. Like I said some time in the last few posts, I might be reading into all of this too much. We'll see.

The Lunch

Phillip and I went to lunch yesterday. We went to a Chinese restaurant right across the street from our building. I've been there before, and I think it has pretty good food. Conversation came very easily for both of us. Great! It would have been terrible if we didn't have anything to talk about. The whole time we were out he had the chivalry thing going for him, holding open doors for me and letting me order first. He scored points with that one. Through the course of the meal I found out that he loves to read and study every chance he gets. Fine by me. I love to read, too. He loves history (hello? my minor). We actually talked a lot about money and banks and credit cards (I know, it sounds really boring). He thinks kids should be taught two things while they're in school: self-esteem and what a credit card is (more like how to use it to benefit you). He's responsible. Always a plus. He likes to play the guitar and take pictures. He explained the deer-in-the-headlights look, though. He said he wasn't fishing for an answer. It was shock. He said he didn't hear me change the topic of conversation from business to personal. I can live with that. At the end of the meal, he suggested that he take care of the bill. I actually said I was considering paying since I was the one who asked him to lunch, but he insisted and said I could take care of the next one.

My reaction to this lunch, which might be surprising, is a total of 5 words: I want to marry him. That's how well this lunch went. Even though I know very little about him (only what I got from this lunch), if he asked me to marry him right now, I would with no hesitation. Crazy, right? Anyway, I wrote him an email this morning thanking him for going with me and for paying for everything. I told him that I had a great time and said I'd love to do it again some time. Well, he wrote back and said that he enjoyed lunch too and he'd like to go again. Wow! He actually said that he was thinking about asking me to join him when he walked downstairs to pick up a really late lunch, but he didn't want to bother me. So, right before I left work this afternoon, I wrote him back and told him to bother me. I'm always looking for an excuse to get away from my computer.

That's it. I'm totally hooked on this guy who is sexier than I could possibly imagine. We'll see what else happens. I'll let you know.

Breaking All of My Own Rules

I never thought I'd ever be a gutsy person. In fact, I consider myself a big, fat chicken when it comes to some things. I have a very hard time doing anything out of the box. Rules are rules. They are made to be followed, not broken. But I seem to be breaking some of these constraints I've set up for myself lately. For example, I drink now. I never thought I'd see the day that I would crave alcohol, but here it is.

There are two big events (and I may be totally blowing them both out of proportion, making them into something more than they really are) that have happened recently that are spurring this blog today.

1) I told the guy I have had a mad crush on since high school that I liked him beyond just being friends. Blake...the first guy I could ever see myself marrying. I told him so I could move on. What if I was missing out on something or someone because I was closing myself off from the possibility of there being something or someone else for me? Anyway, to make a long story short, I've moved on. And the surprising thing is I'm happier than I can ever remember being before I told him. Weird. So, that makes me think that if there really is someone out there for me (I'm not a big believer in the "there's someone out there for everyone" phrase), he's going to be one hell of a guy because, in my mind, Blake was about as close to perfection as you could possibly get. So, I move on, and what happens? Event #2.

2) I meet someone at work that I'm absolutely taken with. What are the odds of that happening? I know absolutely nothing about him other than his name, Phillip, and the fact that he's gorgeous. He's one of the IT guys that works on the service desk at work, and he's one of the only two normal IT guys in the entire company that I actually don't mind talking to. Did I mention the fact that he's very pretty? I'd tell you more about him if I knew anything, so I'll tell you about the massive brain fart I had on Friday. OK, so I called Phillip to come pick up some IT equipment we had stashed in some file cabinets. We weren't using them, and we need the space for our new auditing managers. He came and packed everything up in a box, and then he asked me if there was anything else he could do for me. I told him there was, but it wasn't business related. Then it just fell out of my mouth. I had practiced this conversation in my mind all morning before he shows up, but it just came out. No warning, no preparing him for the very sharp change in the conversation. I just asked him if he'd like to have lunch with me sometime. Oh my gosh!! Did I really just ask that? I don't even know this guy. Am I making this into something more than it really is? It's just lunch, right? Well, he said yes. Now I'm really freaking out. Wow, my asking actually worked! Before he said yes, he paused for about 2 seconds with a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. Am I supposed to interpret that as meaning something (like he was quickly trying to figure a way out of this), or do I just let it go as a mere contemplation of the question? I think I'm going to have to go with the latter. Otherwise, I'm going to start hoping that this will progress into something much more than just lunch next week. I can't have any of that because it will drive me crazy and distract from everything else in my life. I'm already nervous enough about this lunch.

So, there you have it. I'm stepping out of my self-created social constraints, and it's scaring the hell out of me. I'll let you know what happens after we go to lunch. Until then, it's back to the mundane tasks of my everyday office life.

Changes

Recently, this past Saturday to be exact, I was invited to a surprise runway 30th birthday party. I know what you're thinking...what's a runway party? Well, the person who was turning 30 really enjoys fashion. So all of the decorations were fashion mag drawings, mannequins, and red and black balloons. All of the invitees were "dressed to impress" as the invite read.

So, since I have absolutely no social life, I decided to change things up. Throw people off their rockers with what I was going to wear. Now, this exposition would be a whole lot better if I had a few pictures to throw in every once in a while, but I'm not in possession of these pictures as of yet. Anyway, in order to change things up a little, I decided to buy a dress. Yep, I said it...a dress. If you know me at all, you will recall that I hardly ever wear a dress. I won't say never because I do on occasion. So, I went out and bought this dress that I, surprisingly, fell in love with. It's totally not my style. I don't think I've ever revealed so much skin in my life...even when I'm in a bathing suit. Anyway, this dress is a light heather gray, deep-plunge (!!!) halter that comes down to the bottom of my knees (the hem part, not the deep-plunge, obviously). I was wearing silvery flip-flop heels, and yes, eye makeup. Again, totally not me.

We went to a club in Houston that night. a38 is its name. While the pics on the Web look high class and modern, the club itself was a little slimy. Not as clean as it was portrayed. It was fun nonetheless. And this is where the entertainment for the evening came. When we walked in at a little past 11 Saturday night, I noticed the silhouette of a guys head as he was dancing. I only noticed it because it reminded me of my little bro's head of hair...punk, long, bed-head look. I didn't think anything of it at the time. We went back to our booth, and because there is no amount of money in the world that could get me out on a dance floor, I sat there and did as much people-watching as I could in a very dark club. From where I'm sitting, I can see straight down the counter at the bar. All of the sudden, I see that head again, and before I had a chance to react (i.e., get up and go to the bathroom) the guy made a bee-line to the seat to my right. No joke, he covered about 30 feet in less than a second. My first thought is, "Crap!" I'm already in a group of people where I only know 2 of them. I don't need to be talking to a complete stranger who is most likely drunk and who is totally not my type.

Anyway, he sits and tries his utmost to get me to dance. NO. Oh, come on. NO, THANK YOU. Why not? BECAUSE I DON'T DANCE. Oh, everyone dances. NOT ME. Sure you do. I don't dance, but I'm still getting out there. SORRY, NO. But you're just sitting here looking all lonely just watching people. EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT I DO.

After about 5 minutes of going back and forth over that, he changes the subject. By this time some of the girls in my group (who know how I am) start watching this kid talking to me. By this time he's telling me how he almost didn't get into the club that night because of what he was wearing. Picture this: black and white Converse, old-man tube sock up to the knees with green stripes at the top, black pants that have been cut with scissors into shorts, a black t-shirt, and bright red hair with...hold your breath...butterflies all up in his do. So, during his story about how the guy at the door wasn't going to let him in, the girls are standing there looking at me with questions in their eyes. "Are you OK?" "Do I need to come save you?" If anything else was going on other than his talking, and if he hadn't been the most flaming guy in the entire club, I would have nodded a "YES!" But he was just talking, so I let it slide. Finally, the birthday girl's sister couldn't take it anymore and came to save me anyway. She sat down on my left side and interlocked her arm with mine. This guy (Nicholas, I think) turned to the girl to his right and started talking, so I thought it was all over. One of the other girls saw me and Rebecca sitting close and wanted to take a picture of us. We lean into each other, and, get this...the guy practically lays on top of me to be a part of the picture. I hope I can get a copy of that picture because something worth never forgetting.

It was just so strange that he picked me out of all of the other people in the club. One of the girls I work with at work said something this morning. She said that when you're quiet and sweet and unassuming in a club setting like that you attract all of the weirdos. So true. I was not aware until he sat next to me and tried to make me his new best friend that there had been a gay-pride parade in downtown Houston that day. Sure, of all of the people I get to talk to at a club in Houston, TX, I get to talk to a gay guy. I'm hoping this doesn't become a trend.